Thursday, July 31, 2014

Ok, I'll Say It; Summer Is Horrible.

Yeah, I'll probably feel differently in five minutes, but you've got to let me get this off my chest.

Summer is horrible.

I get up in the morning and before I've done anything, I'm sweating. Sticky, greasy, smelly sweat. I'm just sitting in a chair, sweating. I've hardly even moved yet today, what did I do to deserve it? Go have a shower, get out, and then start sweating again. The air starts to get heavy. I feel strange, it's almost like being sick. I'm know not sick, but I feel like I'm sick. It's going to be a looong day.

Ok, sure, but what about all the great things you can do in the summer, like going to the beach? Yeah, the beach! The beach is great! The oppressive unceasing sun beating down on your already blistered red skin, inducing a paranoia to inspect that weird brown spot on your elbow every five minutes. The dry, aching, cracked lips. The boiling, soupy, eye-stinging salt water that leaves a pale brown foam and makes your hair all crusty. The horrible infestation of sand that gets EVERYWHERE; in your butt crack, in your armpit hair, in your eyelashes - and boy, if you get it in your shoes, IT AIN'T EVER GOING AWAY.

And this is not to mention the people at the beach. Folks shamelessly walking around letting all their flappy folds of flesh hang out EVERYWHERE. But not only that; even normally attractive people look gross and old at the beach. The harsh unforgiving light of the summer sun accentuates every pimple, bump, and crease, and the salty water washes off all the makeup and makes your hair look thin and straw-like. On the beach, you look like greasy month-old ham with sweat-caked dog hair on top.

"Oh, well why not just go inside and turn on the air conditioning?" Well, that's great if you have it, but what if you dont? Any hey, it's not like electricity costs any money! Summer blackouts from the overload on the power grid, what could be more fun?

Well at least I can go out and enjoy the life and the energy of those cool summer nights, right? Sounds great! But NOPE. This potentially wonderful nocturnal reprieve from the blistering heat is ruined by the most aggravating of creatures; That's right, the mosquito. The bane of my existence for 3 months every year. SLAP and SCRATCH and BLEED, SLAP and SCRATCH and BLEED, SLAP and SCRATCH and BLEED. AAAAARRRRRGH! My arms and legs make it look like I picked a fight with an alley cat in heat!

Want to hang out at a friend's evening backyard party? TOO BAD, THE MOSQUITOES ARE OUT! Light some candles or spray yourself with all the toxic chemicals you want - it won't help, you'll see. "These mosquitoes are eating me alive! We'd better go inside!"  Well that's fine, but I ALREADY SPENT ALL MY TIME INSIDE OVER THE WINTER!

At least everything is a wonderful lush green now. Oh wait, it was already lush and green in the spring! At least I could go out in the fresh fragrant spring air without MY LUNGS HEAVING WITH HUMIDITY, without MY SKIN SCORCHED AND INSECT BITTEN or without MY SMELLY CLOTHES STICKING TO MY GREASY SWEAT DRENCHED BODY.

Come to think of it, maybe that's what Summer really is; a twisted, mutated, steroided-out extreme version of Spring. AND IT JUST WON'T END.

But in case I haven't said it - Oh Autumn, with your crisp, fresh, invigorating touch. I love you. Come quickly.

Please, share your comments!

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Parking Lot Humor

On a recent outing, I noticed these in a couple of parking lots;



 Not "show accurate" but I can understand why they didn't put "Police Box" on there...